Tom Brady is as advertised

Tom Brady is as advertised:   I wish to be Tom Brady.

I wish a broken in my button you can abundance pistachios in.

I wish to be 6-foot-4 and air-conditioned as the Anchorage DMV and accept eyes so blooming that if I pass, the angels accept to authority on to something.

I wish to be Tom Brady and accept an Indianapolis policeman allure me allure me to breach the law, as happened Monday night.

"I got to drive down a one-way artery in the adverse administration to esplanade to go to dinner," he said." I was active to the restaurant, and the cop saw us and said, 'Just cull appropriate up.' That was the coolest thing."

People, I'm allurement here.

It's fashionable to dump on Tom Brady lately. Baltimore Ravens DE Haloti Ngata says Tom Brady whines to refs about getting hit. Baltimore's Terrell Suggs calls Brady's three Super Bowl titles "questionable." ESPNNewYork.com's Rich Cimini wrote a cavalcade this anniversary headlined, "Tom Brady not as abundant as advertised."

Not as advertised?

I'd advertise my sister to the North Koreans to be at my fifth Super Bowl, attached John Elway's almanac for QBs. I'd allotment off both aerial and a pinkie to be on the bend of attached Joe Montana's and Terry Bradshaw's almanac of four Super Bowl rings. I'd do a year in Leavenworth to see what my Victoria's Secret supermodel wife ability be cutting in the auberge apartment afterwards if I do.

Not as advertised?

Then why, at atomic already a year, does he get arrive to be the best man at the marriage of a guy he's never heard of?

Why were humans actually blind off his car as he pulled abroad from St. Elmo Steak House the added night?

Why did the NFLPA wish his name aboriginal on its accusation adjoin the league? Because Tom Brady vs. anybody is usually a lock, that's why.

So, amuse …

Let me accept Kenny Chesney as a buddy.

Let me accept Seal as a acquaintance and accept him say, "I'm bedeviled with Tom Brady," as Brady was reminded this week.

Let me accept a $20 million, 22,000-square-foot, eight-bedroom hillside alcazar in L.A. with a pond basin so big it looks like a lagoon. I'd convenance sailing in it.

And yet I overheard a anchorman in Indianapolis this anniversary say, "I wouldn't wish his life."

Pal, your activity isn't a box abounding of bloodless chow worms compared with Tom Brady's.

Do you go to U2 concerts and accept Bono accord you a shout-out from the stage? Tom Brady does.

Do you drive a aboriginal tricked-out Audi A8 chargeless -- in barter for accomplishing annihilation added than alms plan you'd do anyway? Tom Brady does.

Do you appear State of the Union addresses afterwards abating anything, inventing annihilation or cutting anything? Tom Brady does.

Tom Brady wears animal boots and starts an American appearance trend.

Tom Brady wears alarming Bieber bangs and humans anticipate it's cool.

Tom Brady could go about cutting a Hefty bag and accomplish the awning of GQ, which he's done four times.

Look, I'm not allurement abundant here. I just wish what Tom Brady has.

I wish a acrimonious toilet bank in my bathroom.

I wish to accomplish the A lot of Interesting Man in the World dribble if I airing into the room.

I wish to accompany my kids to football amateur with David Beckham's kids. Then maybe we go aback and eat whatever Posh Spice is cooking.

And yet … the Jets' Antonio Cromartie already alleged Brady an "a--hole." A poll endure year begin him to be the NFL's third a lot of hated player. A anchorman asked him the added day how it acquainted to accept had every added Boston pro sports authorization win a appellation back he endure did seven years ago. "Thanks for reminding me," he said.

You wish reminders? Actuality are a few:

Nobody but Tom Brady could yield a aggregation with an 11-man analyze for a aegis to the Super Bowl.

Nobody but Tom Brady could about-face a 5-9 shrimp like Wes Welker into the arch advanced receiver in the league.

Nobody but Tom Brady could win three rings, accord one abroad to his dad and never abrasion the added two. But that's him. He's so apprehensive he's about absurd to compliment. (If you can't accord me the abasement thing, I'm fine.)

And yet … Rex Ryan already wrote that "every American macho hates Tom Brady."

Hates?

Ask his linemen. So far this season, Tom Brady has bought them all actual big-ticket watches, accustomed them four pairs of Ugg boots and ordered in banquet for them from the best places in boondocks at alley games. "A few weeks ago, we got Capitol Grill!" OL Nate Solder says. No admiration he can bawl F-bombs on the bank at them and reside to acquaint about it.

Hates?

Ask the dozens of organizations that get his time. Ask the hundreds of organizations that get checks out of the blue, unasked, abnormally afterwards disasters.

Ask Patriots buyer Bob Kraft, whose backward wife, Myra, admired Tom Brady so abundant she fabricated abiding he came with her on her anniversary appointment to the Holy Land in 2005. "He was like our fifth son," Robert Kraft says.

If the Fifth Son wins this Super Bowl, he goes down as one of the 5 greatest quarterbacks in history. With addition one afterwards this, he goes down as the shut-up-and-listen greatest of all time.

There's no point agreeable him to your wedding. He's already the best man.